GWD
by SanjiObsessedMika
Summary: The daily life of Duo as he lives in the clutches of a crazed fangirl. This is as Mary Sue as you can get, people!
1. Relena's Inevitable Death

Welcome to the first episode of GWD! This kind of fan fiction is a complete experiment on my part, and I actually hope it doesn't fall under the "not allowed" category here. Here's wishing it a long life here and everywhere else I am posting it! Please forgive any strangeness you may encounter; this was an idea that came to me suddenly and I just had to write it XD

OH! Fair warning: **If you like Relena, or hate Relena-bashing, don't read this!**

Love,  
Mika

_Saturday, May 13, 2006: Mika walks into her computer room to find Duo feverishly typing away on her computer._

Mika: Duo, WTF are you doing?

_Duo stops suddenly and glances around, finding Mika's face. He grins devilishly._

Duo: Just workin' on a little fan fiction.

Mika: Fan fiction? Of what?

Duo: Well, Gundam Wing, duh.

Mika: Gundam Wing! You're ficcing your own show?

Duo: ...? Why not?

Mika: Er, hm, well, I guess it's not unfeasible...but why are you on MY computer?

_Duo's eyebrows slowly slide into an expression of irritation. He swivels to face Mika and points an accusing finger at her._

Duo: Hey! You're the one who kidnapped me and trapped me here with your fangirl-magic! You should have thought about bringing my stuff along with me!

Mika: I DID! What's that then!

_She points her finger at the window. All that can be seen is a giant, black metallic, pointed shoe._

Duo: Pshaw, you just brought along my buddy so you could play around with him.

_He makes a pouty face and swivels back to face the computer screen, giving Mika the coldest shoulder he can._

_Mika rolls her eyes._

Mika: What's your fic called, anyway?

_Duo instantly brightens up._

Duo: Relena's Inevitable Death!

Mika: MUAHAHAHA! That's beautiful! What's the plot?

Duo: Well, so far I'm just recapping the various times when she SHOULD have died, but the directors kept her in just to please the Three.

Mika: The 'Three'?

Duo: Yeah, the Three is short for Three Relena Fans. They're the only scientifically documented Relena fans in existence.

_Mika stops short, surprised that Relena fans COULD exist. After a moment she regains mental focus._

Mika: If there were only three, why didn't you just take -care- of them?

Duo: Well, I DID...I _tried_ anyway. You know how much we all hate Relena, I tried to do us all a favor to get her out of the show...since direct interference wouldn't work I tried an indirect approach...

Mika: You tried to assassinate the three fans?

Duo: Eh-heh, yeah! But THAT didn't work either, and then they rewrote everyone's contracts so that we couldn't lay a finger on them.

_He sighs regretfully._

Mika: Aside from that, I don't see why the only three Relena fans would make such a big difference anyway. We Duo fans could kill them with a glance!

_Duo rubs his fingers together, suggesting money._

Duo: They're RELENA fans, they're...highly influential, if you follow me.

Mika: Ahhh, I see...

Duo: Anyway, right now I'm working on the Darlain assassination

_Mika squishes her eyebrows into an expression of interest._

Duo: You know the time when Lady Une left that bogus makeup compact-

_Mika interrupts with a gale of laughter._

Duo: WTF Mika?

_She wipes tears from her eyes._

Mika: Sorry...ha ha, sorry, it's just me...

_Duo scrunches his face._

Duo: WHAT!

Mika: I dunno, just the fact that you called it a makeup _compact_! I mean, I use makeup and I don't call them compacts! I only ever hear the manufacturers call it that to sound official or something...

Duo: God, you are stupid...

Mika: Hey, don't be mean!

_Mika makes a chibi pouty face, and it's Duo's turn to roll his eyes._

Duo: ANYWAY, she leaves her makeup BOMB there to kill VFM Darlain, right? There are at least three huge opportunities for Relena to bite the big one!

Mika: Interesting, please go on!

Duo: The first one is simple and sweet. When Relena passes Une on the way to talk to daddy-dear, all Une had to do was pull out her gun and blast the bitch.

Mika: Why the Hell didn't she!

Duo: Ah, I've talked to Une about that, she still regrets it to this day, I'm afraid. Has to see a shrink sometimes to cope with the regret...the second opportunity is better though! Relena stops off to tell Darlain that she's off to spend his hard-earned money. There are millions of reasons she could have stayed for a few minutes longer. She could have went in to ask daddy for some cash, stopped at a water fountain, hell she could have found herself a nice balcony to shout at Heero from! Ten seconds more and we would have had a utopia...

Mika: Ah, how sweet the world would have been.

Duo: The third major opportunity would have been great, probably the best one. When those colonists try to get her to calm the fuck down, instead of injecting her with ketamine, they could accidentally slip in a big ol' dose of potassium chloride! No one can deny that we all would have loved to watch the little pink worm wriggle as her heart gave out!

_Mika and Duo laugh manaically._

Mika: That fic sounds like it's shaping up well! It's so satisfying that I don't even feel like pestering you into any awkward shower situations with Heero today!

Duo: O.o; Thank God for that...


	2. Maxwell Coffee

It's unusual for me to have a second part of anything done so quickly, but here you have it! On top of getting episode 2 done, I also realized that this writing style is just an adapted/simplified form of play writing. For some reason, realizing that makes me feel more comfortable with it ;

Love,  
Mika

_Sunday, May 14, 2006, 9:08 AM: Mika busts in the front door, belting out Gundam Wing tunes, happy to be home after a hard night's work. Duo sits on the couch, contemplating a cup of hot coffee._

Mika: "In love with youuuu Do anything for YOUUUUU! Doot Deedoodoo, dootdeedoodoo"

Duo: ...

Mika: "atsuku moeagaru ai ko--"

Duo: Mika.

_She stops in the middle of her singing, facing Duo with an inquisitive eye._

Duo: Why...

Mika: Hm?

Duo: I can't understand why I'm constantly written as a stark raving, coffee-holic in people's fan fictions.

_Mika grabs a seat on the couch and thinks over it for a moment._

Mika: It probably all stems from your name.

Duo: My name?

Mika: _Maxwell,_ Duo _Maxwell_. Maxwell House is a well-known brand of American coffee.

Duo: Eh? That still doesn't give them reason to have me drinking five cups in an hour...

_Mika shrugs._

Mika: You know, some early fic writer probably started it as a kind of comic relief. Then other writers picked up on it and escalated the habit into an addiction. One writer had you drink a cup of joe every morning, another writer then had you drink it all day, someone else writes you as drinking a whole pot for breakfast, then so on and so forth.

Duo: Ugh, that's horrible.

Mika: That's the life of an anime icon in the hands of fangirls.

Duo: I can't even drink much more than a couple cups a day anyway, I've tried! I thought maybe all that fan fiction was a sign that I was doing something wrong...man, that turned out bad. I drank a whole pot as fast as I could. God, I felt like I was entering Earth's atmosphere in a cardboard box...

Mika: And you WONDER why people write you like that!

Duo: What?

Mika: You know, I'll bet Wu Fei sold you out! I totally bet he recorded you chugging a pot of coffee and sold it online! ON EBAY!

Duo: Hell no! eBay didn't exist back then anyway...

Mika: Ha ha ha, you have been pwned my friend.

_A few moments of silence pass, interrupted only by Duo's quiet sipping._

Mika: Hey Duo.

Duo: Yeah?

Mika: Do you really call him 'Wuffles' or 'Wu-man'?

_Duo chokes on his coffee, spilling it all over. The brown beverage drips down his exasperated face as he replies._

Duo: WHERE DID YOU GET _THAT_ IDEA!

Mika: Hey! Calm down big brother, I'm just wondering! I mean, it seems that the coffee phenomenon has some grounding in reality, so I was wondering if any of the other Duo-lore is true...see?

Duo: Well, it's NOT, _OK_?

Mika: ...

Duo: ...

Mika: ...

Duo: ...

Mika: ...you're lying, aren't you.

Duo: Hay, I don't do it all the time, alright?

Mika: Muahahaha I KNEW it had to be true! You completely bought my Wu Fei-selling-you-out hypothesis, so there _had_ to be some kind of motive on his part. NOW we **know**!

_Duo smacks his face in defeat, which reminds him of all the coffee covering it. He then wipes his hand on his shirt, which reminds him of all the coffee covering **it**. He clenches his fist in aggravation, but gives up quickly and his hand falls into his lap._

Duo: What am I gonna do about this shirt, you didn't even bring me any clean clothes...

Mika: Oh stop being such a baby, I'll lend you one of my shirts.

_Mika leaves the living room, returning momentarily with a black t-shirt._

Mika: Here ya go.

_Duo, with no respect for Mika's less-than-virgin eyes, changes shirts in front of her._

Duo: It's kinda big...

Mika: ...

Duo: Mika? ...MIKA!

_Mika snaps out of her drooling-fantasy, not without a little embarrassed blood left in her cheeks._

Mika: Err...uh, what? It's too big? Hey, STFU newb! Be grateful that I'm letting you wear one of my Deathscythe shirts!

_Duo turns his head at an unbelievable angle and checks out the Deathscythe screen on the back of the shirt._

Duo: Oooo I like it!


End file.
